Milky Dreams

My gorgeous mumma friend came over for a visit. She tells me that her nearly 6 month old baby has been sleeping through the night for months. I ask her the secret. ⠀ She describes her routine.⠀

6:30 pm food ⠀ 7pm jammies on

7:15 lullaby

7:20 lights out mobile on. Drowsy but awake. Door closed. Monitor on. Self-soothing. Baby asleep. Adult time.⠀ ⠀ I take a deep breath. My nearly ten-month-old baby doesn’t sleep through the night.⠀ ⠀ We don’t follow a schedule.we never really have.

But we have a rhythm of sorts. Depending on the day. It may be…a bath with Dad.⠀ Silly time.⠀ ⠀ Story time.⠀ Always a lullaby and always milky cuddles with mummy. ⠀ I lay in the darkness beside him & watch the rise & fall of his chest, holding him close, smelling his head and smiling to myself. ⠀ This is one of my favourite parts of the day, but it feels bittersweet. , I  miss him…even though he’s right there. I will never have "today" back again. Tomorrow he will be bigger older, stronger. Every day he is a little less baby a little more child. ⠀ I try to stay awake in my oxytocin-filled slumber.⠀ ⠀ I reach for my phone. 8:13pm. Not bad, i think to myself . Although i realise your friend’s baby has been asleep for over an hour by now.⠀ ⠀ I wait 20 minutes before moving as my baby drifts from lighter to deeper sleep. I extract my now numb arm from under my baby’s neck.⠀ ⠀ He rouses. I freeze. Phew…it was a false alarm. He rolls over. still asleep.⠀ ⠀ I ninja-roll out of bed, all of the creaks and squeaks announce themselves... I am certain I have woken him. I quietly tiptoe out of the room. I prop the door open with a pillow. I readjust my  top.⠀ ⠀ My husband has just finished cleaning the kitchen . I appreciate him; now more than ever. He is literally my entire village. My anchor. My safe space.⠀ ⠀ I collapse into his arms, which feel so big now compared to the tiny arms that fill my days. He holds me tight & I relax.

my baby may rouse at the end of this sleep cycle…he won’t wake up, but he’ll reach for me in his dreams. To him, I  and he are one, not two. His sixth sense will notice if im missing.⠀